Our roles as wife and mother are not easy ones. I often times struggle and feel as though I am failing my husband and kids. I know I am not alone in this feeling because my friends tell me they feel the same way. So why is it that no matter how hard we work or how much effort we put in, we always feel like we are failing? When will we feel like we are strong, capable, independent women? When will we realize that we are enough?
I am very open about my struggles. It’s no secret that I have PTSD and suffer from anxiety. It’s also no secret that I see a therapist regularly. You see, while my PTSD and anxiety are much better thanks to my self-care plan and working through many issues, I still have some lingering fears. Mainly I have a fear of abandonment or losing those close to me. That of course stems from my biological father walking out on our family when I was a young child. Then again walking out on me when I chose to make a decision for myself.
Then there is a deep-rooted issue of believing that I am not good enough, that I am not capable of doing things on my own. You see my biological father, whom I have not spoken to in over 10 years, was an extremely controlling man. Everything was to be done the way he said and thinking or doing for yourself would end up in trouble. I was always the “good child” who didn’t challenge my parents and especially not my biological father. That is until the second semester of my senior year. I was living at his house and he was often gone. I was left to fend for myself and as a senior in high school I wanted to worry less and have more fun. So, I made the decision to leave his house and move to my mother’s. It was the first time I challenged him. I made a decision for myself and because I was 18 years old, I was able to do just as I wanted without his permission. That decision caused me to loose my biological father. While I spoke to him every so often after that, he did not attend any of my important events and the last time I spoke to him was in 2005. He has not met nor does he know about my husband, my kids or any other part of my life.
Those issues or fears have caused some deep-rooted negative beliefs about myself. I have been working hard at reversing them too. I am putting in the work to try and change my way of thinking because on the surface, I know they aren’t true. I know that I do right by my kids and husband. I give all I can into being a good wife and mother. If I’m doing that then I should be able to feel like I am good enough. When my kids tell me I am their best friend and the best mommy ever, then that should tell me that I am enough as a mother. When my husband tells me I am his Wonder Woman then that should tell me I am enough as a wife. If they think I am enough then I SHOULD TOO!
After a lot of work and quiet a lot of therapy, I think I am finally reaching the point of believing it. I am finally letting go of the baggage I have carried around due to my biological father. I had let go on almost every level except deep down in my unconscious. I was still carrying it around unconsciously. That is, until I had a dream the other night. Now, I know that sounds weird but in the dream things were extremely vivid. I won’t go into full detail (maybe that will be another post) but in the dream I was comforting a baby. My biological father was there and so was his wife. I woke up remembering every single detail of that dream and was able to talk to my therapist about it that afternoon. Going through the dream and describing it all to her I felt like a weight had lifted. It’s like I finally felt free. My therapist confirmed my thoughts that this was because I was finally letting it all go. I am finally becoming who I want to be and not letting my fears or issues from my childhood weigh me down.
Can I tell you how amazing that feels?! Honestly, I can’t even put into words how, even in just a few short days, my overall attitude and self-worth has changed. There were so many important details to my dream that gave me the knowledge that I truly believe I am a good mom. I do believe I am a good wife. Most importantly, I REALLY BELIEVE I AM ENOUGH! It’s a feeling I hope every person gets to feel! I never knew what I was missing until I finally was able to feel enough.
Knowing I am enough doesn’t mean I won’t make mistakes. No one is perfect and I fully understand that. Knowing I am enough means that even though I make mistakes, it doesn’t take away from me being enough. It means that when my husband actually text me and tells me I am his Wonder Woman, I can text back with a confident response. It means that I can finally feel like Wonder Woman….even without the lasso, shield or bada$$ super powers! 😉
So today and every day after, look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I am enough”. Just keep doing it! One day, you just might wake up and believe it! I did!