There is no manual for raising a child. There can’t be because every child, every parent, and every family is gloriously, stubbornly different. And yet somewhere along the way, we decided it was acceptable to stand over one another’s shoulders and grade the work.
I’ve been on the receiving end of that judgment, and if I’m honest, in my younger years I probably handed some of it out too. Both sides cost something.
My girls are teenagers now. I’m years past the bottles and the 2 a.m. shifts, and the distance has given me clarity I didn’t have when I was a brand-new mom drowning in everyone else’s opinions. So I want to go back to that exhausted young mother — the one I was, and the one maybe you are right now — and tell her the truth no one told her: you are not failing. You are being failed by a culture that confuses judgment for wisdom.
This is one of the first boundaries I ever had to learn, long before I had the language for it. So let’s talk about mom shaming. Why it cuts so deep, how to set a boundary against it, and how to finally stop aiming it at yourself.
There’s No Manual (And Anyone Who Says Otherwise Is Selling One)
Strong opinions about parenting are nothing new. There have always been people certain that their way is the way, and people equally certain of the opposite. That tension will exist until the end of time, and a little of it is even healthy. It means we care.
What isn’t healthy, and what I won’t make peace with, is shame. Making another mother feel like a failure for loving her child in a way that works for her family is not guidance. It’s not concern. It’s control wearing concern’s clothing. And it almost broke me once.
The Season Shame Almost Stole From Me
When our oldest daughter was born, the pressure to breastfeed came at me from every direction … the hospital, the books, other moms, the relentless drumbeat of “breast is best.”
But my baby wouldn’t stay latched. I’d pump for over an hour and produce barely an ounce. I was exhausted in a way I didn’t know a body could be. My daughter cried almost constantly. My husband would load her into the car at two in the morning and just drive, because motion was the only thing that quieted her. This was supposed to be one of the happiest seasons of our lives, and instead I was running on fumes and, honestly, standing on the edge of a breakdown.
But everyone kept saying the same thing: keep trying, it’s what your baby needs. So I kept trying, and I kept sinking.
Then came her six-week checkup. Our pediatrician — a man who’d been doing this for decades — listened to everything, examined her, and gently told us she had a very sensitive stomach and colic, and that we should switch her to soy formula. I actually cried with relief. Someone with authority had finally given me permission to stop white-knuckling my way through misery.
That night was the first night my husband didn’t have to drive her around at 2 a.m. The first night she settled. The first night she slept all the way through. And she thrived. By the time she was four, she was chattering away in both English and Dutch (a little perk of the years we were stationed in Belgium) building puzzles, drawing, cracking jokes, and growing like a weed.
Here’s what I learned in that season: fed is best. Full stop. Breast, bottle, formula, a combination of all of it. What matters is that your baby is nourished, safe, and loved. There is no universal fix, because there is no universal child.
A Gentle Word for the Mom Who’s Struggling Right Now
I need to pause here, because if I’d read those words back then — “standing on the edge of a breakdown” — I might have whispered, that’s me.
So let me say this plainly, the way I wish someone had said it to me: feeling overwhelmed, anxious, tearful, numb, or like you’re failing is not a character flaw, and it is not a sign that you’re a bad mom. The early months can stir up real struggles and you do not have to power through them alone or prove how much you can endure. Reaching for support is one of the bravest, most loving things a mother can do, for herself and her child.
If the heaviness won’t lift, please reach out:
- Postpartum Support International (PSI) HelpLine — call or text 1-800-944-4773 (en Español, text 971-203-7773). A warm, judgment-free line that connects you with trained volunteers and local resources. (Not a crisis line.)
- National Maternal Mental Health Hotline — call or text 1-833-943-5746 (1-833-TLC-MAMA), free and confidential, 24/7.
You are not alone, you are not to blame, and with support, you will feel like yourself again. I promise it gets lighter.
The Sleep “Rules” That Don’t Fit Every Family
The other thing I watched moms get shamed for relentlessly? How their children sleep.
Apparently there’s a “right” answer and depending on which corner of the internet you wander into, it’s either that you must co-sleep or that you must have your baby sleep-trained within a few weeks. I’m here to tell you both camps need to take a breath.
My kids never slept in our bed. Not because there’s anything wrong with families who choose differently, but because my marriage is a priority I protect, and in our home that meant everyone had their own space to rest. When the girls were tiny and our bedroom was downstairs from theirs, they slept in our room, in their own beds, and once the night feedings were done, they went back to their cribs and I went back to mine. They grew up every bit as bonded and secure as any co-sleeping baby. It was simply what worked for us.
And sleep training? Let me save you some grief: you can do everything “right” and your child will still do exactly what your child intends to do. Once our oldest switched to formula, she slept through the night and mostly never looked back. Our youngest? Different human entirely. We tried everything, and she still woke for years. Same parents, same house, same love … two completely different kids.
You’ve heard me say it and you’ll hear me say it again: there is no universal fix.
Why We Shame (And Why It Usually Says More About Us)
If I’ve learned anything in my healing, it’s that judgment is almost always a mirror. We shame loudest in the places we feel most uncertain ourselves. Scrolling at midnight, exhausted and second-guessing every choice, it can feel strangely reassuring to decide that at least I’m not doing it like her.
But that relief is a counterfeit. It doesn’t soothe our own insecurity, it just spreads it. And in a military life especially, where we’re constantly uprooting and adapting and doing the best we can with what each new season hands us, the last thing any of us needs is another person keeping score.
Grace costs us nothing and gives back everything. I’d rather build a community of mothers who hold each other up than win an argument about feeding methods.
Setting a Boundary With the Judgment
Here’s where my “Battlefields to Boundaries” heart comes in, because compassion does not mean letting people walk all over you. You can be kind and hold a line. A few ways I’ve learned to do that:
- Name it, gently but clearly. “I know you mean well, but this is the right choice for our family and our doctor agrees.” Then change the subject. You don’t owe anyone a debate.
- Don’t audition for approval. You do not need a single other person to sign off on how you love your child. Decide what’s true, and let that be enough.
- Curate your inputs. Mute the account. Skip the group. Step back from the relative who only ever critiques. Protecting your peace is not rude, it’s wise.
- Build your real circle. Find the moms (and mentors) who cheer instead of correct. Two or three safe people outweigh a hundred opinions.
Boundaries aren’t walls to keep love out. They’re fences that keep peace in.
The Permission Slip You Didn’t Know You Needed
So let me be the one to hand it to you, mama:
It’s okay to formula feed your baby. It’s okay to breastfeed your baby. As long as your baby is nourished, you are doing a good job.
It’s okay if you don’t co-sleep. It’s okay if you do. As long as your child has a warm, safe place to rest, you are doing a good job.
It’s okay if you don’t sleep train. It’s okay if you do. As long as you and your child are getting rest, you are doing a good job.
It’s okay to be a stay-at-home mom. It’s okay to be a working mom. As long as your child is loved and cared for each day, you are doing a good job.
If your child is loved, safe, healthy, and known … you are doing a good job.
Stop Shaming Yourself, Too
Here’s the boundary that took me longest to set: the one with my own inner critic.
We can become so practiced at bracing for everyone else’s judgment that we start narrating it to ourselves before anyone else gets the chance. We replay the hard moments, tally the imperfect days, and forget to count the thousand quiet ways we showed up.
Offer yourself the grace you’d offer your closest friend. The same compassion you’re learning to extend outward? Turn some of it around and aim it at the tired woman in the mirror. She’s doing better than she knows. I believe that about you, and I’m slowly learning to believe it about me, too. Faith has taught me that grace was never meant to be earned and that includes the grace you give yourself.
You’re Doing a Better Job Than You Think
Stop carrying the weight of what other parents say or think. They’re not in your home, they don’t know your story, and they don’t have to live your life. All any of us is really called to do is this: love our children, raise them to be kind and respectful, and teach them, by our own example, to stop keeping score on other people.
So let me be the first to say it today: you are a wonderful parent. Truly. Now go be gentle with yourself the way you’re so gentle with everyone else.
Mom Shaming FAQ
What is mom shaming? Mom shaming is criticizing or judging a mother for her parenting choices (feeding, sleep, working or staying home, discipline, and more) in a way that implies she’s doing it “wrong.” It often comes disguised as helpful advice or concern.
How do I respond to mom shaming without losing my cool? Keep it short and boundaried. A calm “This works for our family, but thank you” ends most conversations. You’re allowed to disengage, change the subject, or walk away. You don’t owe anyone a justification for how you love your child.
Is formula feeding really okay? Yes. Fed is best. What matters is that your baby is nourished, safe, and loved, whether that’s through breastfeeding, formula, or a combination. Follow your child’s needs and your pediatrician’s guidance, not the internet’s pressure.
Is co-sleeping or sleep training the “right” choice? There’s no single right answer. Families thrive with all kinds of sleep arrangements. The safest choice is the one that fits your family and follows current safe-sleep guidance from your pediatrician.
How do I stop shaming myself as a mom? Practice talking to yourself the way you’d talk to a struggling friend, with patience and grace. Limit comparison triggers (yes, that means the midnight scroll), surround yourself with supportive people, and remember that the hard moments don’t erase the thousands of loving ones.
Where can I find support if I’m really struggling postpartum? Reach out to the Postpartum Support International HelpLine (call or text 1-800-944-4773) or the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline (call or text 1-833-943-5746, available 24/7). You deserve support, and asking for it is a sign of strength.
NOTE: This post was originally published in October 2016 and has been lovingly updated to reflect where our family is now and everything healing has taught me since. The heart of it hasn’t changed: less judgment, more grace.
AMEN! My children are completely different. With our first he slept with us until he was 9 months old because I could handle him crying. After two nights in his own crib, he figured it out and slept through the night. Our daughter however…she slept in her cradle until she was three months old and then she went into her crib in her room. She just turned 9 and she will still try to sneak in my bed. Now with my husband deployed I am more willing to let her but I still have rules. She can only sleep in my room on the weekends. Once my hubby returns that will change too. She used to sleep well in her room with our lab but since he passed away she is lonely and looks for someone or something to snuggle with.
You are so right! When you are a military family it’s even harder to deal with what other families consider normal. We are constantly adapting to the changes in our lifestyle and you have to do things the best way you can for yourself and your children.