For years, my days had a way of filling themselves to the brim. If I didn’t claim a little quiet in the early morning … coffee in hand, before the house woke up … I wouldn’t get a single still moment all day. And I’d find myself wondering: how did my calendar get this packed? How many of these obligations had I chosen, one polite “sure, I can do that” at a time, when the honest answer was no?
I knew how to start my morning right, even when anxiety was loud. What I didn’t know was how to protect the rest of the day from my own inability to decline.
A book cracked that open for me. And the lesson inside it became one of the quiet foundations of everything I write about now: boundaries, peace, and learning to thrive instead of just survive.
The Book That Started It
The book was The Best Yes by Lysa TerKeurst, and it found me at exactly the right time.
Just a few pages in, she described the particular kind of weariness that comes from trying to do it all. The fear of missing out, the dread of disappointing people, the worry about what everyone thinks of your choices, the low hum of feeling tired, stretched, and quietly used up. I remember reading it and thinking, that’s me. She just put words to the thing I couldn’t name.
I’m not going to reprint the book here (you should experience her words yourself) but the central idea reshaped how I think about my time: every yes you give to one thing is a no to something else. When your schedule is already crammed full, you don’t have room left for the opportunities that actually matter. Lysa’s invitation is to stop letting a good yes crowd out your best one.
That single reframe is where this whole essay, and honestly, a lot of my healing, begins.
Why We Say Yes to Everything
I have always been the woman who couldn’t say no.
For most of my life, “no” felt mean. I worried that turning someone down meant they’d think I didn’t care about them, didn’t like them, didn’t want to help. So I’d say yes … to the volunteer slot, the favor, the extra thing … and then quietly drown trying to honor a commitment I never had the time or energy for in the first place.
Here’s what I eventually learned the hard way: saying yes when you mean no doesn’t actually serve anyone. You either back out later (which is harder on everyone than an honest no would have been), or you push through while doing a half-hearted job and the thing you committed to suffers right along with you. A kind, early no is a gift to everyone involved, including the person or group who now gets to find someone with the time to truly show up.
The Power of a “Small No”
Lysa has a phrase I’ve carried with me for years: the small no. The idea is that one small, gracious no, said early, can save you from a giant tangled mess later.
It doesn’t have to be cold or complicated. Something as simple as:
“Thank you so much for thinking of me. I’m not able to give this the focus it deserves right now, but I’m honored you asked.”
That’s it. No long justification, no apology marathon. You’re allowed to decline without a doctor’s note for your soul. The more I practiced the small no, the more I realized most people receive it with complete grace. The harsh reaction I always feared lived mostly in my own head.
When Yes Costs More Than You Have
There’s a layer to this I couldn’t have understood back when I first read the book, and it’s one I want to be honest about now.
As a disabled combat veteran living with chronic illness and migraines, my energy is not unlimited. Some days I have a full tank; some days a migraine erases the plans I made in good faith, and I have to choose between two things I genuinely want to do because my body will only allow one. Learning to find my best yes stopped being only about protecting my time. It became about protecting my health.
If you live with chronic illness, disability, trauma, or any kind of finite-energy season (which, let’s be honest, is all of us sometimes), hear me: your no is not a character flaw. It’s wise stewardship of a real and limited resource. Saying no to the thing that would wreck you for three days isn’t selfish. It’s how you stay well enough to say yes to the people and purposes that matter most. Protecting your peace is protecting your family.
Your Best Yes Might Be the Thing You Keep Putting Off
Now for the part that still gives me chills.
When I first read The Best Yes, Lysa’s challenge to make time for what your soul is actually called to do hit me square in the chest. Because I had a dream I’d been shelving for years, telling myself I didn’t have the time, and … if I’m honest … that I wasn’t good enough to try.
That dream was writing.
I had never made space for it. I’d never trusted myself enough to put my fingers to the keyboard and believe anyone might want to read what I had to say. And reading that book, I finally understood: I was never going to find the time. I was going to have to make it. Imperfectly. A little at a time. Dedicated space for the thing my soul needed.
If you’re reading this on Heart & Stripes right now, this is that best yes. This whole space, every word of it, grew out of a small, trembling decision to stop putting myself last on my own list. The writing I once couldn’t justify making room for became a calling, a livelihood, and a ministry of sorts. I share that not to brag, but because I need you to know: the thing you keep pushing to “someday” might be the very best yes you have. Don’t let a hundred good obligations bury it.
How to Start Finding Your Best Yes
If your calendar is running you instead of the other way around, here’s where I’d start … gently, one step at a time:
- Audit your yeses. Look honestly at your week. Which commitments fill you up, and which ones quietly drain you? Awareness comes before change.
- Pause before you answer. “Let me check my calendar and get back to you” is a complete sentence. It buys you space to decide from intention instead of guilt.
- Try one yes per area. One volunteer commitment, one extra at the kids’ school, one project at home and let the rest be a peaceful no. (This is a loose idea from the book that I found freeing, not a rule you have to adopt.)
- Protect a soul-slot. Block out time for the thing that’s yours. The dream, the rest, the hobby and defend it like any other appointment.
- Practice the small no. Start with one. Notice that the world keeps turning.
A Word of Faith
I believe God made each of us on purpose, with specific gifts and a specific path. But He can’t help a cluttered, overcommitted life flourish any more than you can plant a garden in soil packed solid with weeds. There’s a beautiful kind of fulfillment that comes when a woman chooses to lighten her schedule and leave room for God to fill her soul instead. That’s the heart of what Lysa writes, and I’ve found it to be deeply true.
Making room isn’t laziness. It’s faith that the right things will grow when you stop strangling them with everything else.
You’re Allowed to Choose Peace
So this is your permission slip, friend. You don’t have to do it all. You were never meant to. Choosing your best yes and offering a kind, early, guilt-free no to the rest isn’t selfish or mean. It’s how you protect your health, your peace, your family, and the dreams God planted in you.
When was the last time you said yes to yourself? Maybe today’s the day that changes.
Frequently Asked Questions
What does “finding your best yes” mean? It means recognizing that every yes is also a no to something else, and intentionally choosing the commitments that matter most rather than letting a packed schedule of “good” obligations crowd out the best ones. The phrase comes from Lysa TerKeurst’s book The Best Yes.
How do I say no without feeling guilty? Keep it short, kind, and honest: thank them, decline clearly, and skip the over-explaining. A gracious early no respects both your limits and the other person’s need to find someone with the time to help. With practice, the guilt fades.
What is a “small no”? It’s a concept from The Best Yes. A small, early, gracious decline that prevents a much bigger problem (overwhelm, burnout, or backing out) down the road.
How do boundaries help with limited energy or chronic illness? When your time and energy are finite, every commitment has a real cost. Boundaries let you spend that limited resource on what truly matters and protect your health, so you’re not wrecked by obligations you could have declined.
Is The Best Yes a Christian book? Yes, it’s written from a faith perspective by Lysa TerKeurst, and weaves Scripture and reflection throughout, though its message about boundaries and overcommitment resonates widely.
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you purchase through them — at no extra cost to you. I only ever recommend books and products I genuinely use and love. Thank you for supporting Heart & Stripes.
NOTE: This post was originally published in July 2016 and has been rewritten to reflect everything the years (and a lot of boundary-setting) have taught me since. The heart of it hasn’t changed: your best yes is worth protecting.
I’ve been wanting to read this book for a while now and this post just tipped the scales for me! Thanks for sharing your experience with it :)
Yay, I’m glad I could help you decide. It’s really an eye opening books and has helped me put a lot of things into prospective. I really think you will enjoy it.